I never thought I would need therapy for anxiety and depression, and although I never received an official diagnosis, all the signs were there. I felt overwhelmed, overstimulated, a sense of dread and despair, and I was terrified of being a terrible parent…I knew I needed help. And I should have sought help sooner. Like after I found out I was pregnant because my doctor considered my pregnancy high-risk due to my age and preexisting health conditions. I should have gotten help while working with my fertility clinic and taking medications that messed with my head. Even right after my daughter’s traumatic birth that had extended my hospital stay. Some of the feelings and anxieties I feel even date back to my childhood.
Childhood
I had a good childhood, or so I thought. But raising your own child puts things in perspective. I vowed not to raise my daughter the authoritarian way I was. I want her to voice her opinions, to point out areas where I am wrong without the fear of punishment for being sassy, talking back, or having a bad attitude. She should feel comfortable telling me anything that is on her mind. No matter what – no “off limits” topics. I want her to see me as someone to whom she can go when she is in trouble, feeling afraid or anxious, or just when she needs to talk.
Fertility Treatments
I dreaded the multiple monthly appointments at my fertility clinic, cycle tracking, blood draws, medicating, etc. People often take several medications while undergoing IVF. I only had two for my series of six IUIs, but the Ovidrel “trigger shot” side effects were the worst. Each time I took the shot I would get dark thoughts and anxieties. They ranged from the little things – like how much time I needed to take off work for appointments – to the bigger things – like if my relationship with my husband was going to fail. I often wonder if the medication had a permanent effect on me. Or perhaps it just worsened my undiagnosed anxiety.
Pregnancy
After my successful IUI, my doctor monitored my pregnancy closely. At thirty-seven years old, I was considered to be of “advanced maternal age”. I also had preexisting health conditions. Taking new medications and going to extra appointments – along with the hormones that go along with pregnancy – really took a toll on me. I had an early episode of bleeding after which I feared miscarrying. Toward the end of my pregnancy, my doctor monitored my blood pressure to watch for signs of preeclampsia. I had multiple weekly appointments and non-stress tests for the baby. Looking back, I realize it was not easy to force a smile and say that I was okay.
Childbirth
My daughter’s birth was extremely traumatic for me. Due to the threat of preeclampsia, my doctor induced me, but I ended up with a ruptured uterus requiring a four-hour surgery. My baby was in the NICU for over 24 hours after she was born, and I had an additional six-day hospital stay. Many fears and disappointments piled up and I became overwhelmed and anxious. I spoke with a social worker who was very empathetic, but I told her I was fine while holding back tears.
I thought things would improve after I was finally able to go home, but exhaustion from caring for a newborn and frustration from a c-section incision that would not heal left me anxious and angry. Although I am unsure how I “coped” for over six months after my daughter was born before I finally realized that I needed help.
Therapy
I started seeing my therapist in October 2022. Therapy has made such a difference in my outlook. I have experienced such relief working through anxieties using de-catastrophizing and Socratic questioning tools. It has been helpful asking myself questions like “Is the thing I’m worried about actually something I should be worried about?” or “What are the chances I’m making a bigger deal out of something that isn’t really that bad?”. The feelings of inadequacy, dread, and despair have come less often. When they do, I can work through them using the tools I learned in therapy.
The feelings of guilt from my childbirth experience as well as my fears of being a terrible mother have decreased as well. It has been helpful to talk through things from my childhood and areas where I can “break the cycle” of authoritarian parenting. I know I won’t be perfect. But hopefully, by recognizing areas where I can change, my daughter will be able to look back favorably on her childhood.
Needing therapy for anxiety, depression, or any mental health struggle should not cause shame. You just need to reach out for help, and just know you are not alone in the struggle. Never mind the benefits of talking through fears and anxieties, past traumas, depression, and guilt outweigh any emotional risks.
