I am by no means a marriage expert, but having been through counseling, here are 5 things that I learned in couples counseling and apply to my marriage.
You are not always right
Woof. Yeah, I know. This one stung a bit for me too. You and your partner are going to fight, it’s just math honestly. But that does not mean that you are always right and your partner is always wrong. It’s super humbling to have to apologize during a fight (especially when you really thought you *were* right), but the only way you both will learn and grow together is if you are both able to recognize and acknowledge when you’re not right. I promise it gets easier. Stay humble my friend.
Take space
This is one of my favorites that I learned from couples counseling. I am actually notorious for being angry. I know, it’s almost unheard of, but sometimes I get really angry and just need my space. Regardless of the severity of the argument or time of day, I always need space and time to gather myself before having a mature conversation. If you don’t want to say things you don’t want to or that are hurtful, take your space. Trust me.
Dating
Friend, I know it’s not easy to put your relationship first when the laundry is never-ending, the dishes are always dirty, and you have a toddler asking you a bunch of questions. Forget about the work and extracurricular. You’re telling me I have to make time for, plan for, and pay for someone else to watch my kids so I can go out? Sounds exhausting, but I promise the effort is worth the outcome! You’ll be so glad you took the time to enjoy each other without the chaos surrounding you.
Life is not always 50/50
Listen. I know you’re exhausted. I really do. In couples counseling, we learned that sometimes your best is 20% and that is all you have to give, and your partner takes the other 80%. It is not always going to be a 50/50 relationship, but it is so important to communicate where you are at. It’s okay if all you have is 20%, but as long as you give that full 20%, you cannot do more! This goes for your partner. They might not be able to give you 100%, but if they give you their full 20%, then you’re going to succeed.
Each role is equally as important
Did my husband learn this one too? Questionable. In all honesty, even though there is always going to be a default parent (I see you, mama), your role in the home is just as important as his. Truthfully, the world keeps spinning because of all that you do. Your job (stay at home or in the office) is just as important as your spouse’s. Personally, my spouse has a fancy-sounding job that seems to always trump mine… it’s frustrating. But knowing that what I do is equally as important really makes a difference – we both take sick days and we both do doctor appointments. Some of us more than others, but please see the above. If they’re trying, you’re doing great!
If all of the above wasn’t enough, please take this away: you two are a partnership, and without consistent effort, communication, care, and empathy, life is going to be hard. Honestly, life is going to be hard anyway, but you can choose your hard. Talk to your partner. Tell them when you’re upset. Be respectful. Take space. Apologize. And you both can do anything together!
