My Love-Hate Relationship With Motherhood

I want to start by saying I love my son, and I love being a mother. If there’s anything in this world I was meant to do, it was be a mother. Being the one my son leans on when he’s sad. When he gets up in the middle of the night and wants to cuddle with me to fall back asleep. Seeing his face light up when he sees me at school pick up. When he says “Mommy, you’re my best friend”. Those are the moments I love. With that being said, I also (sometimes) struggle with being a mother, and have a love-hate relationship with motherhood.

I think many of you can agree that motherhood is both beautiful and exciting but it can also be frustrating. It is not for the faint of heart. Yet, for some reason, many of us dive back in over and over and have multiple children. No matter how many children we decide to have, I’m here to talk about why some of the greatest things in motherhood are also some of the hardest.

Your children feel safe with you

Do I love that my child feels safe with me? Yes, of course, that’s all any mother wants. Is it amazing that my child loves me as much as I love him? Of course. Is it also maddening that he acts like a monster with me but an angel for everyone else? Yes, yes, a thousand times, YES! I want to feel safe with him as much as he feels safe with me, so why am I being kicked as I try to get him to wind down in bed for the night? Or why when I try to change his diaper do I feel like I’m suddenly wrangling an alligator and about to lose a limb? Why can’t the feeling of “safety” be reciprocated?

Saying “goodbye” to your old life

Don’t get me wrong. I love my new life. Being able to spend the days with my son and explore new places. Having your child tell you not to go to work because he’ll miss you. Laying in bed with him at night and singing songs together. Seeing experiences, like a cruise, through my son’s eyes. There’s nothing like having those experiences, but I also miss being able to just pick up and go away for the night with my husband.

To not worry about how my son will be for his grandparents. I miss relaxing on vacation and not needing a vacation from my vacation. And as crazy as this might sound, sometimes I miss the daily routine of a Monday-Friday 8-5 job and having weekends off to do whatever I please. That life is gone and although it’s been replaced with a life I love, I sometimes long to have it back.

Never being able to enjoy my food

I’ll ask my son a million times if he’s hungry or thirsty because he hasn’t eaten or drank much all day. The answer is always “no” but then as soon as I sit down to eat my bowl of cereal or to enjoy a bowl of mac and cheese, my bowl is always stolen from me. When I am finally able to refill my water bottle and quench my thirst, my bottle is suddenly taken from me, without hesitation.

Of course, being happy he finally wants to eat or drink I offer him his own serving. Naturally, he does not want his own but would much rather have me go hungry or thirsty and not allow me to take care of myself. I am flattered he wants to be like his mother and eat or drink what I am, but it would make me much happier if I was able to enjoy it too.

Constantly being needed

As the song by Cheap Trick goes “I want you to want me, I need you to need me”, it is human nature for us to want to be needed by others. Whether it be our spouse, our children, or even our friends. It makes us feel important and loved, but after being needed for every little thing every second of the day. From changing a video on his iPad to getting a snack out of the cabinet. It becomes exhausting. By the end of the day, the only thing I need is to not be needed.

A term to describe my love-hate relationship with motherhood is a “beautiful nightmare”. However, I love being a mother and honestly, nothing makes me happier. My son is the best thing to ever happen to me. If you’re ever having mixed feelings about motherhood, just remember we’re all on this rollercoaster ride together.