Going into my second pregnancy, I knew that postpartum mental health was a strong possibility for me during the fourth trimester. Having my first was a shock to every system, and the struggles we faced took me to dark places. My firstborn had a severe milk protein allergy, and severe acid reflux. We came home from the hospital with a baby who cried for 20+ hours a day. How was I supposed to care for myself, when I could hardly care for the beautiful baby in front of me? Physically I looked great but felt awful. I felt shame.
No one knew for weeks I would cry every night, holding the baby I wanted more than anything in this world, wishing she or I didn’t exist. I felt isolated, having no friends who had children. No one understood what I was dealing with. I hid my thoughts and feelings from the world. Even two years later, my husband is just learning the extent of the thoughts that crossed my mind while sleep deprived with a baby who never settled. So I was determined to make my experiences with my second better if I could.
Becoming a mom for the second and final time was an emotional experience that I never anticipated. Having health complications during the pregnancy did not help the heightened feelings. Twice we had doctors tell us that my pregnancy was non-viable and he would not survive long if born. Those doctors were wrong. We were told he possibly had spinal issues. Those doctors were wrong. I had placenta previa and began bleeding, and then I began having pre-term contractions. We were told that we were at high risk for preterm labor. I was on high alert daily, telling myself that because this pregnancy was hard… he would be an easy baby. Man was I wrong!
From the first day in the hospital, I knew something was off. Our baby wasn’t eating. He was fussy, and not tolerating formula. We came home only to be told to visit the pediatrician daily because he was losing weight and refusing to eat. My husband and I left an appointment, and I knew my postpartum anxiety was back.
I was scared. My first ate non-stop, despite her issues. My second cried after every meal. He arched his back in pain and spit up during every feeding. He needed encouragement to eat and wouldn’t sleep unless being held. My husband and I both cried together, nervous about the road ahead of us. In those first few days, I knew postpartum was here to stay.
Fortunately, the second time around I knew what to expect in the fourth trimester. I knew the warning signs that something was wrong, and I had a team behind me this time that knew my history. I leaned into those who I knew I could count on. These supports are what helped me get through it and gave me the hope that things would get better.
These are the support systems that helped me get through the fourth trimester this time around:
My Husband
I could not have survived this fourth trimester without my amazing husband. He held me on the nights I couldn’t do anything but cry and celebrated with me on the good days. He helped me find the positives and light when all I saw was despair and darkness. When my intrusive thoughts came back after multiple sleepless nights, he held me tight and reassured me. No matter how bad things got, he was the glue that held me together on my worst days. He knew the warning signs and knew how to encourage me to be open and seek help earlier than later. I can never put into words how much he saved me during this short season.
My Family
Our first pregnancy was isolating. They saw the toll this took on me and made sure to encourage me to ask for help. My mother dropped everything, even at 3 am as I cried holding a crying newborn, and came over to help. Then my mother-in-law came over during the day to let us sleep and entertain our oldest. My grandmother took the baby to allow us to be present for activities with our first. Our support system was more present than ever and gave us the help we needed when we both needed a break.
Going to Therapy
It took me a lot longer than I’d like to admit to utilizing this resource. I have weekly or bi-weekly therapy sessions that have been very helpful. Having someone non-judgmental, who specializes in postpartum and perinatal mental health is huge! She is able to give me the tools that I use each day.
Taking Medication
Again, this was another tool that I was ashamed to admit to using the first time around. It took a few medications to find what works best for me. It was refreshing to meet with my doctor who gave me options that I could take daily or as needed, which is what I do, to help me feel like myself.
Finding My Community
I felt isolated and alone during my first postpartum experience because it was during the pandemic. In this new post-pandemic world, I’ve been able to connect with a local moms group. It has been incredible having this level of mom support. I may not be physically attending playdates yet, but I have had many local moms reach out to me. These women have met me a handful of times, if at all, and they still reach out to check on me. They let me vent, and some of them even cooked us some meals! This group is full of some amazing mamas, and I’m so thankful to be a part of their group.
The fourth trimester is hard and scary to navigate alone. It took me over 6 weeks to learn I wasn’t alone, and it took 6 weeks or more to know other moms have these feelings. This second time around, I will speak up more and allow myself to lean into these supports.
If you are struggling with any prenatal or postpartum mental health please consult your doctor and find resources here.
