I’m in the middle of hosting my in-laws for a two-week visit. My husband is French, and we only get to see his family 1-2 times a year. We’re all sensitive to how hard it can be when grandparents live far away. It can hurt when the kids are shy or don’t even recognize family members who love them so much. Thankfully my 1-year-old warmed up after the first night. He woke up excited to see his grandparents at the breakfast table. 6 days in, they already have inside jokes, and he loves showing them everything he’s proud of in the room. But I have to be honest. While trying to make the most of this precious time, I’m also irritated. Living with other people is hard.
Village Life: Irritation is part of the deal
One of the things that has helped me most this time around is choosing the mindset that being irritated isn’t a bad thing. It’s a part of life unless you choose to live your life completely isolated from other people. Accepting the irritation lessens the secondary feelings like shame or resentment.
It’s especially crucial to be open to irritation as a parent because it’s the only way the “village” can work. I haven’t met a mom who didn’t wish she had more of a village to support her in the early years of raising a family. The truth is, the qualities of village life clash with many of our modern values. Living in an individualistic society has allowed me to build a life that suits my tastes and interests. If I truly had a village available to help me at all times, I’d need to make a lot more sacrifices.
Disrupted routines
I love routine. When my husband and I started living together, that routine got disrupted. Eventually, we figured out a system that worked for us. The same thing happened when we got a dog, and then again when we had our son. After welcoming our second baby just three months ago, I was just settling into a new routine and feeling a restored sense of balance. Then my in-laws arrived, and the routines had to shift again. Small and seemingly insignificant demands started disorienting my sense of calm.
Things like:
- Two more people are using our one bathroom.
- The importance of never running out of bread, butter, or cheese with French visitors.
- More questions about why the baby might be crying.
Different Family Cultures
Another challenge is the subtle differences in family cultures. I grew up with six brothers and sisters, my husband grew up with two siblings. We were loud, and sarcastic, and tended to do our own thing at home. My husband’s family is quieter and has more pleasant conversations – they really do care how you slept last night! My family doesn’t speak much before 8 AM, preferring to eat our breakfast quietly while we Wordle or do a Sudoku. My husband’s family greets each other each morning with the two kisses on the cheek, and have a lively chat around the breakfast table together.
I love that my kids are absorbing the traditions of both sides of their family. But after a few days, I started to want my peaceful mornings back.
Below are tips to make longer stays hosting your in-laws as joyful as possible:
- Share neutrally with your partner. Don’t let your irritations fester into frustration. Let them breathe by talking about them with your partner. Clarify that it’s not personal or anyone’s fault. They probably feel something similar when they’re with your family or friends. They might also see a way to make the situation better.
- Prioritize the routines you need to stick to. While some sacrifices will need to be made, keeping a few parts of your daily routine that will keep you sane is important. I make sure I get time each day to walk outside alone, and everyone in the house is clear that that’s a non-negotiable.
- Ask your guests about their routines. Showing an interest in their routine creates openness and respect. Ask your in-laws what they do daily that they want to keep up doing while they are visiting with you.
- Create a shared task list. Most in-laws want to be helpful. It can be uncomfortable to stay in someone’s house long-term and feel like you’re not contributing. If you have a whiteboard or a notepad that has a running to-do list or daily chores, they can volunteer for something they feel capable of helping with.
- Show them the ins and outs of the house. Most people remember to show guests how the shower works, but don’t forget the kitchen! Stoves, ovens, microwaves, dishwashers, and childproofed cabinets. If your in-laws know how to use them, they’ll be much more comfortable volunteering to help out.
- Have fun! Once I accepted that irritation was inevitable, it allowed me to stop fixating on it. This freed me up to relax and have fun! It’s a distinct joy to see your kids and grandparents forming their own unique bond, and I’m grateful to be more present in it!
