No parent wants to believe that someone they know and trust would ever harm their children. Yet sadly, there is plenty of evidence demonstrating that sexual abuse towards children and teens most often occurs at the hands of a family member or someone else in the family’s circle of trust. This may include babysitters or other caretakers, coaches, teachers, youth group leaders, or others who have regular interaction with the child.
When you know and recognize the signs and six stages of grooming, you empower yourself to intervene before abuse ever takes place. Awareness of grooming behavior will also help you discern how to respond or interrupt the process, preventing further trauma from taking place.
What is Grooming?
According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network), “Grooming is manipulative behavior that a perpetrator uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of getting caught.” Grooming behavior is more common with younger children, though can still occur with older teenagers and even vulnerable adults.
Grooming can take on many forms and can happen both in-person and online, though it typically follows a similar pattern. A perpetrator methodically plans their action over weeks, months, or even years. The abuser’s goal is to gain the trust of the family and child to make the abuse more likely to occur.
A goal of grooming is to manipulate the child into becoming compliant. This reduces the likelihood of a disclosure and increases the likelihood that the child will repeatedly return to
the offender.
Below are the six stages of grooming behavior to be on the lookout for:
1. Targeting the victim
A perpetrator will look for perceived vulnerability when choosing a victim. This could include anything from emotional neediness, isolation, low self-confidence, and especially ease of access to the child. Stay alert for direct messaging activity in any of your child’s apps, as this is a way for abusers to easily access the child directly and covertly begin their process.
2. Forming a bond
Abusers will attempt to gain trust and information to discover what needs the child has and how they can fill them. They will show up and offer help to parents or caregivers who in many cases are relieved by the support.
3. Filling a need
Abusers will then try to fill the recognized need for the child. This is done through special attention and affection (such as compliments, flattery, and support), giving gifts, offering companionship, and in some cases promising gifts of alcohol or drugs. These are all forms of coercion that a child typically would not recognize.
Through this process, a child can become dependent on the abuser, and the perpetrator may begin to take a more prominent role in the family system. This access gives the abuser more opportunity to break family rules and push boundaries. These boundary transgressions are rationalized and normalized to desensitize the child and adults around the child to accept the behavior. Secrets are developed and later can be used as a threat to the child.
4. Isolating the child
The perpetrator begins to use this newly developed relationship to gain more access to the child away from the family as they seek out opportunities to be alone with the child.
5. Normalizing touch & sexualizing the relationship
Desensitizing touch occurs slowly, often in ways that appear harmless. This can include hugs, wrestling, or tickling, for example. An abuser may deliberately put themselves in situations where less clothing is involved, like swimming or walking in on a child changing or on the toilet. Physical touch then escalates to increasingly more sexual contact, like massages or showering together. An abuser will continue to assess the child’s reactions to determine how far they can take it. This is also where they may bring up more sexual topics with the child or show the victim pornography.
6. Maintaining control
Once the sexual abuse begins, perpetrators will attempt to maintain the child’s continued participation and silence through affection, secrecy, blame, threats, and sometimes violence.
Prevention is the best medicine. Offenders are less likely to victimize a child if they think the child will tell. Talk to your children often and early about personal safety. Let your children and teens know that they have the right to make decisions about their bodies. Importantly, talk about what actions to take when they feel uncomfortable with a person or behavior. And if something ever feels off, trust your instinct.
