Mom guilt. What do you think of when you read those words? In this season, for me, it’s, not going outside to play with my kiddos in the snow or not being fully present when I engage in play. The guilt creeps in because I do value time in nature and also experiencing meaningful moments with my children. To be completely honest, I just don’t have the energy, and I contribute that to the current season we are in. If you read my last article you know what I am talking about!
Guilt vs. Shame
In this scenario, guilt is a normal, healthy emotion but only if I can forgive myself and start fresh the next day. BUT THAT IS SO HARD! My inner critic loves to creep in, and I find it difficult to stop her – “You should have been a better mother and gone outside or given them your undivided attention.” This is shame and it attacked my entire being at the core. I started to believe that I was not a good mother and therefore unworthy of love. I walked around feeling flawed and not good enough. Shame can be extremely painful, mentally and physically. If this is you, I see you.
I have been on a healing and self-discovery journey for about two years now and it wasn’t until recently that I realized how my emotions are truly stored in my body. Truth is, I have been living in shame for most of my adult life. I could finally feel it in my body thanks to somatic therapy! I noticed that my shoulders tend to roll in, kind of like I wanted to roll up into a ball. The shame was coming from previous life experiences but mostly from not being the perfect mother.
But what exactly is the perfect mother? In my opinion, she does not exist. It took me years to figure out that my expectations of being perfect were all created from societal messages. Turns out they were not in alignment with my individual values. I found myself saying “should” in almost every other word. It was exhausting. I found freedom in the belief that I could define motherhood and perfection for myself. Say what?
Tips On How To Start Releasing Shame
Six years ago, when I first became a mom, people would tell me that the guilt never goes away. I believed that for years. Now, knowing what I know, I beg to differ. It is time to exercise some self-compassion.
Here is what I have been doing to move through shame and other emotions, besides therapy:
Solitude: As a mom, moments of solitude are few and far between. I did not expect that I would feel as overstimulated as I do now. These moments of quiet allow me to tune into what I value the most as a mother, which helps me to see clearly where the shame is coming from. Then I can move through it.
Writing: This is a form of release for me. I recently wrote down all the things I felt shame for and burned* it which took it to the next level. I felt lighter after this experience.
*If you are called to burn the paper, please do so in a safe manner.
Breath-work: Deep belly breathing can be very powerful. Set a timer for 2 minutes and breathe in fully, exhale deeply with a sigh. Say on the inhale: I breathe in self-love and compassion. On the exhale: I breathe out guilt and shame.
Affirmations: I like to say these out loud in the shower. It can be as simple as this: “I can define motherhood for myself, I am worthy, and I am willing to show myself love and compassion today.”
Connection: I have witnessed firsthand that I am not the only one experiencing mom shame. I encourage you to bring up the topic next time you are with another mom. Knowing other moms are going through the same thing helps you to feel less alone but also connected.
Meditation: I personally love Insight Timer for meditations. You can search “mom shame” or any other word and find something that fits your time frame.
If you are anything like me, you might be thinking that you need to implement every single one of these into your daily routine – WRONG! Just try one, once per week or whenever that shame creeps in. The first step to freedom is being aware of this emotion. Join me in releasing these emotions and bringing in more peace in motherhood!
Want to go deeper into the difference between shame and guilt? I recommend reading “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. She has helped me unpack my own experience
