The Initial Crash
Your world is crumbling around you. What you’ve known for years has suddenly changed. The life you built, the life you dedicated what felt like every part of yourself to, is no more. You’re lost, broken, and buried in your own self-doubt, guilt, and fear.
Not too long ago, this is how I felt. My relationship, marriage, and family life as I knew them were over. Ten years together were suddenly gone. Maybe on some level, I knew it had been over for a while, but when you’re in the thick of it, you don’t always see it. I thought our relationship was like any other: fewer signs of affection (especially on my end), fewer smiles, more bickering, and pointing the finger. It just seemed so mundane that it must be how everyone is with their partners. But now, I’m not so sure.
I’m not saying it’s all sunshine and rainbows in every relationship. Deep connections and relationships involve effort. There are arguments, disagreements, differences of opinion, and different partner and/or parenting styles. But what’s important is to work through them together. Long story short, we didn’t do that. We were not a partnership committed fully to ourselves, each other, or our relationship. He saw that before I did, and I was shocked when reality hit.
I had already been depressed, but this hit hard, and I felt like I shut down more, if that’s even possible. I’m not sure either of us knew it. We just went through the motions, still living together, trying to sort through the weeds of separation in our own little bubble. It was not enjoyable for either of us, and it was becoming noticeable to others, including our daughter.
Fast Forward To The Seperation
It’s been a few months since we separated. We are living on our own, co-parenting in a way that prioritizes our daughter as much as possible. She’s with me more often than not since I am still in the school district, but he comes to visit after school sometimes and has started taking her on overnight and weekend visits. It’s working for us.
But with that, I have free time. I’m not saying I didn’t before, but this is different. For years, my life has been about other people, and it often still is. But I have time dedicated to no one and nothing but me. That’s a strange thing.
About a year ago, when some friends and I started a book club, I thought I was really ahead of the curve, putting myself first by going out once every month (or two, because let’s face it, even a monthly commitment can be too much for some of us). And then life happened—depression, separation, work, kids, other commitments. Monthly turned into quarterly and then pretty much non-existent. It was, and still is, so easy to have excuses for what we do with our time.
Last weekend, my daughter was with her father, leaving me free time. So, I met friends for dinner and drinks, but before I could do that, I felt that I had to justify an evening out by being productive first. I’m not saying being productive is a bad thing, but the mindset that just being and relaxing wasn’t okay is not healthy. But that is changing, ever so slowly.
You Are Deserving, Worthy, and Enough.
So here I sit, another night without my little one. I’m writing this because I want to share the real and raw feelings that have, and continue to, cycle through me. I still feel that guilt and question my value in those low times, BUT they are less frequent and intense. And more often than those negative feelings, I feel good, truly happy. If someone complimented me six months ago, I’d dismiss them and comment on where the outfit came from or why I wore that specific lipstick. When someone compliments me now, it hits differently. I appreciate it and own it. Honestly, I’m embracing the new me that was forced upon me. I have come to accept that while this was not the path I saw or wanted, it’s the path that I’m on. This is the right path for me, my daughter, and my ex.
I am deserving of filling my time and my life with whatever brings me joy and happiness. I am worth the extra-long shower or the hour (or five) to sit and binge-watch Virgin River. I deserve to laugh and smile and feel good about myself. I don’t need to defend why I’m getting a drink with a friend, and I don’t need to have to be what others want me to be. I am enough for myself and my people. I’m enough because I’m coming out of this as myself.
The loss of a relationship is real, but it isn’t the end. It’s a fresh start that, with time and effort, and a true understanding of who we are, is so worth it. The details don’t matter: who was at fault, what could we have done differently, and why is this happening to me? Because at the end of the day, it’s about accepting the new reality and making the most out of it.
Embracing The Opportunity To Find Yourself
Just to be clear, making the most out of it doesn’t mean jumping back into dating or finding the right person, unless that’s what is right for you. It’s also not about keeping things as close to how they were as possible to avoid upsetting the status quo. It’s about embracing the opportunity to find yourself and the new normal that works for you. It can be surprising what an unexpected, or expected, loss can lead to if you let it.
It’s a scary place to stand and face the future. But there really is so much out there. Don’t let your fears hold you back. Rely on your person or people. Share the highs as often as the lows, hopefully more so. Don’t hold everything in because you are worried about being a burden, and don’t feel like you can’t tell people to stop asking questions or checking on you. Believe in yourself and your future. Know and value yourself as you grow and learn about the new you. Give yourself grace and understand that whatever you feel is normal and appropriate. Own the person you are and the one you are becoming. But most of all, know you are worthy of love in every relationship.
