I have been with my husband since I was 17 years old. We have grown together and apart. I am now 35 years old, and my opinions have changed. I thought showing your love to your partner was always to keep them happy. But sometimes, that is to the detriment of your happiness.
A Little Background On Myself
I never wanted to get married. I saw my aunt get married to her middle school sweetheart, and quickly after they got married, they separated and divorced. I was young at the time, but I just correlated marriage with messing everything up. Why would I want to do that?
We met my freshman year of college and quickly became attached at the hip. I slept in his dorm room just about every night and started to hang out with all of his friends’ girlfriends. We were always together. So when my friends wanted to go to a party, and he asked me to stay with him, I thought I was supposed to stay with my boyfriend and would make up an excuse to stay in. If my friends wanted to stay in and hang out, that would be okay because he thought going out to parties was what “single people” did.
I just wanted to hang out with my friends and dance, but I didn’t want my boyfriend upset. This continued with other little things like what I was wearing or who I was speaking to, but I just thought my boyfriend loved me, so don’t do things that would make him upset, and we’ll both be happy.
The Early Years
Through our 20s, we had ups and downs. Our fights, I thought at the time, were normal. We are led to believe that men will just be jealous, possessive, and sometimes aggressive, but that’s because they love you so much. If they weren’t, they were just not that into it. But I’m an extrovert. I love to go out and spend much time with my friends. He is quite the opposite. I would ask him continuously to come out with me. I was met with nos, or if he did come out with me, it was him pouting in a corner if I wasn’t spending enough time with him or, as he thought of it, too social.
But when he asked me to get married, I said yes. My therapist suggested couples therapy before the wedding. We went to a few sessions, and every time the couple’s therapist recommended something for him to do, it was met with anger and pushback. When I signed my wedding license, I believe the only thing that would change was my last name. I was always committed to my boyfriend, then my fiancé, and now my husband.
As we got older, I had more of a voice and was more comfortable speaking up for myself. I felt that he was threatened by my want and need for independence. I went out more when I wanted to, leaving him at home if he chose to stay. He said things like, “Married couples spend all their time together” and “Why do you always want to be out?”
Growing Our Family
Then the pandemic happened. Stuck in the house together and fighting. I missed my creative work outlet and seeing my friends all the time. We were at a breaking point. I was thinking of leaving, but then I became pregnant. I saw this as a chance to improve not only for ourselves but for our little one. He is an amazing father, so attentive, and I loved that but also felt disconnected. I realized how much changes once you have kids. I knew we were trying to be happy, but the responsibilities of being a mom and trying to find work became my priority. When he was busy with work, and I was busy with our child, I continued to ignore our problems until they were in front of my face. When we were yelling at each other in front of our child, I knew things needed to change.
Is Separation The Right Choice?
Before our child’s third birthday, he asked me “What are we doing?” I said I feel like this isn’t working. I could see his world fall apart in his eyes. He knew we were bad but not bad enough to separate. I said I can’t keep going like this. I don’t want to be without our child every day but being together was draining.
My husband wants me to need him. I don’t need anyone, but I do want people in my life. I see the great benefits of having a partner, and he has brought so many good things into my life. There are things that I wouldn’t have accomplished if I wasn’t with him, but my life would not fall apart if he weren’t there.
I feel like he thinks I am the president of the “She-Woman Man Hating Club” (Little Rascals reference). I told him I would choose a bear over a man (yes, the popular internet debate), and he became so angry with me and responded, “I would choose the bear then if there was a woman.” Like it would hurt my feelings because I am a woman, I have my reasons for choosing the bear. Nothing to do with him or the person he is.
These small things have made me second-guess our future. The agree-to-disagree on many topics has come to a boiling point. I don’t know if we will make it. I am scared to leave but scared to stay.
