Having assertive conversations is not easy to do. In fact, many of us intentionally avoid confrontation at all costs, even if the problem continues to persist. (*Slowly raises hand*). It starts with one deep breath and strong body language, like respectful eye contact. And, the rest of the equation? Hold steady.
Because I’m here to share my four tips for assertive conversations that will help unlock your voice:
Test out your boundaries in more casual situations.
You don’t need intense confrontations to be more assertive. Small, everyday interactions are key, like politely correcting a barista (“I ordered an oat draft latte—could you remake this?”), sharing your opinion with friends (“I don’t want to watch The Bachelor—how about a horror movie?”), or requesting a different table at a restaurant (“I’d prefer a booth, if available”). These low-pressure moments help you practice self-advocacy and build confidence over time.
Add a dash of positivity with your assertiveness.
Being concise doesn’t mean being rude. If saying “no” feels too harsh, try softening it with a positive twist, like expressing gratitude: “I had a great time, but I need to leave soon.” Alternatively, offer a Plan B: “I can’t babysit this weekend, but I can help Friday night,” or “I won’t drink, but I’ll still hang out.” This way, you set boundaries without being disrespectful.
Don’t overexplain.
To avoid overexplaining during confrontations, keep it brief by focusing on the key issue without adding unnecessary details.
Try to use “I” statements, stay calm (neutral tone and body language), and know when to stop (think: less is more). All of this will help convey your message effectively without over-explaining.
Remember, this is going to take practice (*Points to self*).
Remove filler words.
“Umm”, “I think…” Or “Actually…” We all use these words, on the daily. But, did you ever stop to think: Overexplaining can dilute your message to someone?
To remove filler words when you talk: pause, slow down, and use shorter sentences. Keep your points simple and concise to avoid rambling.
You can even try to record yourself to identify when and where you use fillers.
Replace with silence: If you’re not sure what to say next, embrace silence instead of filling it with “uh” or “you know.” With practice, you’ll find it easier to speak more clearly and confidently.
It’s common to think you need a long list of reasons to stand your ground, but experts say it’s better to keep your response brief and direct because overexplaining can weaken your message, make you seem less assertive, and open the door for debate.
My biggest reminder.
Let yourself be uncomfortable…at least the first few times you’re working on being more assertive.
Setting boundaries and speaking your mind—truly—for the first time might feel awkward, icky, and plain wrong (especially if you’re a people pleaser), but it’s better to be uncomfortable for a few seconds than unhappy for an entire week. Am I right?
Have any more tips to share? Let’s keep motivating each other to speak freely and confidently, one conversation at a time. You got this!
