I was well into my 30s before I understood a couple of things. First, I am an introvert. Also, introverts can have friends and be chatty, but we’re more selective about who we consider friends and what we are chatty about. And lastly, there’s nothing wrong with declining invitations to social outings because you’d rather stay home in the quiet.
Then I had my child who is most definitely NOT an introvert. As far as I can tell, though I’ve only known her for the last five-ish years. She “powers up” when she’s around others. She would go to all the social functions if she could. She has an endless stream of thoughts and stories. She can spend all day with friends at daycare and still want to play with the neighborhood kids until dark. Conversely, after working all day, the absolute LAST thing I want to do is make small talk with the neighbors.
Until now, I’ve been able to give her a social fix by meeting up with friends of ours. People I enjoy hanging out with who don’t completely drain my social battery, but who also have kids her age (or thereabouts). This provides her with playtime and chargers her social battery. This summer was the first time our opposing personalities started to battle. So, we started small. I would walk her over to the cul-de-sac where the kids were playing and while she played for 20ish minutes, I would chat with the parents. We did this a few times to the point that I felt reasonably assured the parents truly didn’t mind if my child played outside with theirs. We exchanged numbers and left. Now I can simply text to say “Incoming!” and let my kid cut through the backyard to play with theirs. And vice versa.
The next big hurdle will be public school. Daycare is siloed. I see a couple of parents at drop-off/pick-up, we smile, and hold the door open but that’s about it. Now there are PTOs and classroom volunteers, chatting at the bus stop, etc. And short of moves, it’s likely I’ll be seeing these same parents for the next 5-10+ years. I know I can’t display my usual reticence during the first open houses and orientations without fear of seeming aloof.
So, I do the next best thing. I play pretend. Maybe it’s my love of theater, maybe it’s my inner child, but I can pretend to be just about anything. Especially if it’s just for an hour or two. I pretend to be “Liz The Extrovert Extraordinaire!” and plan to smile and talk to anyone and everyone I see. At best, I gain another member of my village. At worst, I gain someone to smile and nod to while we freeze waiting for the bus in the winter.
The flip side to our opposing needs includes teaching her that the way I operate and what I need to be successful is just as important as hers. It means telling her I need quiet for a few minutes to think or to settle down after coming home from work. It’s something I started at a young age and it doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear her story it simply means, “not yet”.
The amount of quiet time she can give me has varied over the years. But the point is she’s learning everyone is different and different is special (thank you, John Oliver). Letting the neighborhood kids come to play in our backyard while I sip tea and read a book inside shows here both our needs can coexist. She’ll encounter many introverts of varying degrees over the years, so having her understand their needs and how to compromise will be invaluable.
Introverts and Extroverts can coexist and even thrive together. That’s the goal I strive for every day!
