There were 60 days between my mom going to the hospital with stroke-like symptoms and her death from esophageal cancer. That meant two months of awaiting test results, googling medical questions, visiting the hospital and rehab, making scary decisions, and helping with care. Once she found out that she had only a few weeks to a few months left to live, my mom started her 25 days on hospice care.
For the first 23 of those days, she was able to participate in conversations, decision making, and planning. Based on her energy, lucidity, and health, we thought she would live for at least another couple of months. Two days before her death, my mom took a sudden downturn and needed strong medications to keep her comfortable. With my dad, my brother, and me at her side, she passed away at home on May 18th.
While she was on hospice, we did several things to take advantage of those last precious weeks. Despite her terminal diagnosis, her death still felt sudden, and there are also things that we wish we had done sooner. You can google all the practical and logistical things to do to prepare for a parent’s death (e.g. make a will, share accounts, plan for caregiving, find a funeral home, etc.), but here are some other ideas to honor their life. I recommend starting these projects with anyone in their elder years, not just after a health issue.
Collect messages for your parent from family, friends, and former colleagues
When we found out about my mom’s terminal diagnosis, I realized how many traditions around death I didn’t really understand or agree with. When someone is given weeks or months to live, why not start celebrating their life before they die?
I’ve seen people post or send heartfelt messages about people after their death, so why not have the person die knowing how much they touched others’ lives? With this in mind, I reached out to family, friends, and the school where my mom worked for over 20 years asking them to send messages for my mom. I suggested sharing funny memories, stories, how my mom affected their life, and general well wishes. I collected dozens of these messages in a binder.
Thankfully, I had shared the work in progress with my mom, having no idea that the time to collect them was actually limited to only a couple of weeks. She didn’t get to see some that came during her final days and the days after her death, but she was flabbergasted at how many people took time out of their busy lives to write to her. I know that she felt immense love and appreciation at the end of her life. And we are left with reminders of how many lives she touched and the impact she had on them.
Record your parents’ voice for yourself and their grandchildren
A heartbreaking reality of my mom’s passing is that my young children (ages 6 and 3) won’t have many (or any) memories of their Mom-Mom. Before she even got her diagnosis, I had asked my parents to record themselves reading some of my favorite books from my childhood so that my kids could listen to them. The Yoto Player and its app make this very simple. The app records them reading, and then you can put that recording on a Make Your Own Yoto card. My dad has read a few stories, and my mom did one.
Capture your parents’ memories
When a parent dies, their memory and unique family knowledge are gone too. My brother sat with my mom while she was on hospice looking through old photos so that she could identify people we never met. As an only child, my mom was the last person in her family to hold this history. Looking at photos inspired my mom to tell stories, and my brother recorded many of these. You can google “interview questions before a family member’s death” to get lots of ideas about the kinds of questions you can ask.
Encourage your parent to write letters to the family to read after their death
My mom ran out of time before she did this, but she was planning on it. I can imagine how special it would be to have my mom’s final words to keep for the rest of my life. I’ve also heard of people writing cards for upcoming milestones they’re going to miss.
Ask your parent to help write their obituary
My mom had planned to write her own obituary, but she never got to this either. After her death, it was challenging to write her obituary while making sure to include everything she would want. My mom’s best friend since high school flew up on the day she died, so she helped us to recall details from the first decades of her life. Writing it with my mom would have been easier and more meaningful.
It’s never easy to lose a parent, but I do feel very fortunate that we had some warning of her death. Three and a half weeks’ notice did not feel like enough, but I know that many families don’t get any time at all to prepare.
