Despite the endless love we pour into our children, many of us carry the heavy weight of shame and guilt—those quiet, nagging voices that make us question whether we’re ever doing enough as moms or as humans in general.
You’re at your job and question your supervisor about a current practice and procedure, and suddenly you’re in a conversation about how awful of an employee you are. Maybe you’re a brand-new mom who decided to bottle feed instead of breastfeeding, but suddenly you’re being told by a family member how your child won’t love you because you cannot care for them. Maybe you’re out shopping, and you pick up this adorable piece you think would look amazing, but someone says, “Sorry, those don’t come in your size.”
Either sound familiar (hopefully not to the extreme, these are)? I have felt shame from various situations and moments in life, both as a mom and a human. These feelings can be incredibly overwhelming and challenge everything we thought about ourselves. Am I good enough? Am I doing this right? Am I deserving of more?
Sadly, those above situations are true-life stories that have rocked me to my core. I really struggled to move past these. In life, I have always struggled to know my worth and value. Shame and guilt, especially mom guilt, can take a toll on not just mental health but our physical well-being!
As someone fresh off being shamed as a mom and employee, I headed into a three-day conference where the speaker opened up her experience with being shamed. I stopped to talk with her after and shared my story, and asked for advice. “How did you move on?” I asked, as if this was some big secret I just couldn’t crack! The speaker just smiled and said, “I know who I am. I know who you are. Those words don’t have power over me or you,” as she hugged me.
I sobbed and felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders! I felt validated and seen, but needed my own way to take away the power of these words. It seems easy, but a few things have really helped me to recognize my worth and to never let another human break me down in the ways I’ve been broken before.
Below are some steps that I took in overcoming the shame and mom guilt that I was struggling with:
Acknowledge the Feeling
In the words of Chili Heeler, “Sometimes, you just have to let yourself have a good cry, and then you’ll feel better and be able to pick yourself up.” I really needed to allow myself time to be mad, sad, whatever other feelings I had, and actually feel them. Sitting with feelings can be so uncomfortable, but without allowing yourself to truly feel them, you can never fully overcome the shame and guilt.
Identify The Source
We all know the people we can trust to give us solid advice, and know those around us who truly suck the energy from us! Know who these energy vampires are. By identifying the source, you’re helping to challenge these thoughts. “Does this person really know me? Is this person projecting their own problems onto me? Am I comparing myself to unrealistic standards?” Really allow yourself time to process and determine where the guilt or shame is coming from to help understand it better.
Reframe Your Thoughts
One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from therapy is to challenge my thoughts. Challenging your thoughts means questioning the accuracy and validity of negative or unhelpful beliefs. It involves examining whether these thoughts are based on facts or assumptions and considering alternative, more balanced perspectives. This process helps shift your mindset away from self-criticism and towards more rational, positive thinking.
Set Realistic Expectations
Coming off any of these shaming and guilt-ridden experiences had me in a spiral, trying to be “perfect.” We all see the picture-perfect social media world, but remember that it is not realistic. Let go of the idea of being a “perfect” wife/mother/employee/friend, etc. Perfection is unattainable, and striving for perfection will keep you in this mindset loop. Focus on the things that YOU feel you do best, and the rest will come.
In the end, mom guilt and shame can creep in from so many places—whether it’s criticism about how we feed our babies, judgment from others about our choices, or even harsh words from those who should support us. But we don’t have to let these moments define us. By letting go of perfection, challenging the negative thoughts that arise, and giving ourselves permission to feel and process those emotions, we can rise above the guilt and shame we may feel on a daily basis. We’re all doing our best, and that’s more than enough. It’s time to give ourselves the same grace we so freely offer others.
