I think most people have now heard of generational trauma. Even though I knew what it was and could recognize that I had inherited plenty of trauma, I hadn’t really taken the time to reflect on what it meant and how it manifested until I had a very cathartic visit with my aunt and uncle.
While my kids watched a movie with my uncle, my aunt and I had a chance to talk about various things. Our conversation eventually led to the topic of my grandmother, her childhood, the perspective of my uncle (the oldest brother) on being raised by her, and the outside perspective of how my mom was raised and treated. It was eye-opening to realize the impact of intergenerational trauma and how it has been passed down.
I’m not going to delve into the details, but my grandmother had a challenging childhood and held onto some skewed beliefs. She spent most of her life in survival mode and believed that finding a man was the key to getting “out”. Eventually, she found an amazing man, my grandfather, who was a widower with a teenage daughter. However, when my grandmother had her own children, she struggled with knowing how to raise them in a healthy way. Unfortunately, she passed on a lot of her trauma to her own kids, especially targeting my mom who was the youngest of three and her only daughter.
I’m not sitting here saying I had a horrible childhood! My mom did the best she could with what she had. But she was still trying to heal from her own childhood when she had children. We didn’t talk about trauma and feelings back then. I think my mom tried very hard to hide how her mom was and tried the best she could with her resources to not take that trauma out on us kids. But it still came out in some of her parenting.
In my adult life, I’ve watched my mom heal and take accountability. I’m sure she wishes she had done things differently looking back, but hindsight is 20/20. This now gives me a chance to do even better for my own kids. I am aware of the trauma that has been passed down to me. I have consciously worked to heal those wounds. Now that people openly discuss trauma and feelings, I am making every effort and utilizing all available tools to ensure that I don’t pass that generational trauma down to my own kids.
It doesn’t mean they will avoid all trauma in their life. But I am working on healing myself to be the best mom I can be, and not be the reason they need to heal from their childhood. This also gives me the chance to help them protect themselves from trauma and work through their feelings.
Here is how I have been healing my generational trauma:
Recognize and acknowledge the trauma
The first step in healing is identifying that you have trauma. Then understanding its source and recognizing how it affects your life, relationships, and parenting.
Seek support
Therapy and support groups are great resources. Find friends and family members you trust to confide in. Strong support networks are crucial not only for healing but also for navigating parenthood and life. Find someone who can help you understand and process your trauma, which was a big step for me.
Develop healthy coping mechanisms and self-care
Work on replacing unhealthy coping mechanisms with exercise or creative outlets. Make your well-being a priority. Try mindfulness and activities that relax you and bring you joy.
Break the cycle
Be intentional and mindful of your behavior and actions, especially in communication with your children. Aim for a stable and nurturing environment and, if you make a mistake, take accountability and address it with your kids.
It’s not easy and it’s not going to be fun, but this is an important step for all of us. This is to ensure that we are setting our kids up for the best possible future. We need to make sure that we are not creating a childhood from which they need to heal. And it’s not just for them; we need to be happy and healthy too. We need to stop carrying the toxic generational trauma baggage with us so that we can enjoy our lives to the fullest.
