It’s not all men, but it’s enough men. I have been sexually assaulted more times than I can count on my ten fingers. When I first became sexually active, I had no idea what sexual assault even was or what consent meant. I didn’t know what was and what was not expected of a woman during sex or intimacy. This is a sexual assault story about my first assailant, 21 to my 16.
Looking Back
The first time that I had sex, I realized later, I had been coerced into it. Looking back as an adult, I knew that I had been groomed by an older man. In having a friendship with him, I ended up coerced into thinking that having sex with him would be a great idea.
I was vulnerable, I was 16, I knew very little about sex, intimacy, relationships. We had not discussed it much in my family. But I knew enough to know that I wanted the attention of this man. This man, whom my friend group thought was wonderful. I knew that everyone in my friend group wanted to date him. We all enjoyed his company and he concede me to keep a sexual relationship with him secret because my friend group would have been angry with me. This went on for longer than it should have.
Red Flags
Looking back on this relationship, there were so many red flags. This man was five to six years our elder, my friend group being 15 and 16-year-old girls. He would throw pennies at our cleavage in our bras, hoping to “score”. He would bring green apple schnapps to my friend’s house and convince us to play games like strip poker with him. His goal was to make us all interested in him, but he essentially forbade us from discussing our interest in him with one another. The dynamic was dangerous, and it set us up for heartbreak, not only from him but from one another.
The three girls in my friend group all ended up in love with him in some way, shape, or form. The youngest of us was the one whom he ultimately decided he wanted to date. This was after he confided in me that he secretly had a real girlfriend who was his age, a girlfriend whom he lived with. But he was spending his time off gallivanting with teenage girls regularly, leading them on, and leading them into his trap.
Doing The Right Thing
The girl he decided to date felt the pressure in a different way than I did, and the other girl had; she was perhaps more educated about her body and about consent and about what was appropriate at her age. He indicated to her that he wanted to have sex with her—to take her virginity. She confided in me and some other friends that she felt fearful about this, that she felt she wasn’t ready, but she wanted to please him and did not want him to leave. My group of friends ultimately decided it was the best call to tell her parents about the situation. We did so, and it led to a major re-framing of our friend group. She was angry with me and never spoke to me again. Every time I think back on it, I know that I did the right thing. Her parents ended up taking him to court. He now has that on his record for the rest of his life.
I have more stories like this, and unfortunately, I know many women do too. It saddens me that this is such a common experience. However, I believe that by openly sharing these stories, we can foster greater awareness and hopefully empower future generations to understand and protect their boundaries.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available. RAINN is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.
