I couldn’t understand it at first. I had the life I had dreamed about. Married to my best friend, have the family I wanted. Good paying job. Life was great-but at the same time it wasn’t. The mental load and burnout finally caught up to me and I had to admit it: I was depressed.
Depression in motherhood is more common than I even thought, affecting about 25-42% of mothers in the first few years of parenthood, which is even higher than rates of depression in postpartum. Most toddler moms are facing daycare challenges, financial stress, and even personality factors were the most common contributors. Mom life is rough-it comes at the expense of putting ourselves last time and time again with society expecting happiness and unrealistic expectations.
I didn’t even realize the trap I fell into until it had consumed me.
I thought I had it all. A job I loved and was passionate about. A 4 and 2 year old, happy and healthy, who I love with my every being. A husband who is truly the most incredible person in the world. What I didn’t catch, was the isolation I started creating. Dinner plans? Sorry, something came up. Weekend plans? Oh no, my kid has a fever, sorry I can’t make it!
I didn’t even recognize the person I was becoming. The once social butterfly never left her house. Someone who had long term quality friendships suddenly had no one to talk to. Creativity that flowed suddenly dried up. Stress building up from trying to be so perfect all the time that suddenly psoriasis flared over my body. I felt alone. I felt scared.
What was happening to me?
After months of feeling anxious, sad, sick and having flaking skin covering my body, I knew I needed help. I’m so fortunate to work with an amazing therapist and with one question I was in tears, sobbing about how much I hated life in that moment. I felt like I had no friends. No creativity inside me. Nothing in me to give. In that moment, I knew I needed a change.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and change looks different for everyone. I took a step back from creative ventures to focus on me. I took a less demanding job, giving my nervous system a reset. I switched medications to help me sleep (for me, no sleep is a huge trigger when feeling depression and anxious), and started an antidepressant. It took time, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
When friends text me, I’m responding instantly rather than racking my brain for excuses. I’ve never felt more available to my children, and interested in playing with them for hours on end. Concerts and being creative are bringing me joy. Is my depression fixed? Absolutely not. And that is okay. I am seeing the light that others held for me when it was too heavy to carry. Just like trees budding in spring, slowly but surely I too am budding again.
