Three years old has—perhaps controversially—always been my favorite age. It’s a time in which children are coming into agency, autonomy, and understanding. They are unfettered by self-consciousness and live in a world of imagination that invites all those around them to dream big. Three-year-olds are also still brand new to interacting with others, to taking part in their daily routines, and to considering the world around them. They are also admittedly strong-willed, stubborn, and emotional. I don’t deny that they can be vexing. But all in all, I love three-year-olds because they offer an opportunity to work with them and help them learn how to take on the world.
All that said, my three (soon to be four) year old has presented some of the most formidable challenges I have faced. Her imagination is on hyperdrive. Her sense of humor is unparalleled. She is gaining skills at lightning speed. And at the same time, these pleasures of her developmental stage are paired with equally heightened senses of independence, stubbornness, defiance, and a micro-short temper. And it can be tough!
As I have wrestled with her challenges and considered how to move peacefully through our days, I have caught myself returning to my teacher training through the Center for Inspired Teaching. One of the philosophies central to the Center for Inspired Teaching’s training model is the concept of Engagement vs. Compliance. As they explain it, “we were founded on the principles that young people are innately curious, that they want to learn, and that they are born with the ability to grapple with complex problems and invent solutions.” They invite adults to see children “…not as an empty vessel or empty head to fill, but as the owner of a powerful mind who needs to learn how to use that mind well.”
Engagement, to me, means meeting children where they are.
It means forging a strong relationship, getting to know them personally, and tailoring your teaching and behavior management in a way that is responsive to their interests and needs. It means weaving playfulness into all parts of the day. Compliance, on the other hand, looks much more like the style of our parents’ generation. It casts adults as all-knowing beings to be followed without question, and often relies on intimidation, shaming, and even coercion to get kids to behave. They’re fed a “right and wrong” way to feel, do things, or behave, and not invited to question.
When children are engaged, they are invested.
They find joy and fun in what they are doing. They feel energized to take on challenges or tackle non-preferred tasks because they care about what they are doing. It is in these moments that they have a chance to practice critical thinking, learn by persevering through a task, and gain intrinsic motivation. Conversely, compliance means obeying, doing things out of a sense of obligation or of pleasing an adult. They do not get a chance to think creatively about problems or to advocate for their needs, and they respond only to extrinsic motivation—fear or punishment or hope for reward.
To me, the three-year-old is uniquely sensitive to the difference between compliance-based and engagement-based teaching and discipline.
They acutely experience the desire for autonomy and agency, all while still living an essentially powerless life. They are still too young to be the arbiter of big decisions, and that is at odds with their desire to be The Boss. Trying to force a three-year-old to comply is a one-way ticket to Power Struggle Land. Power struggles are always unproductive. But ones with three-year-olds are doubly so. Luckily, the flip side of this means that they respond avidly to attempts to engage them.
I have spent the past several months reframing my approach to supporting my daughter’s growth through the lens of engagement. The result has been a reduction and shortening of tantrums, a growth in her self-advocacy vocabulary, and a lowering of my overall frustration.
Below are some of the changes I have made that have helped me engage, rather than control, my three-year-old:
Play, Play, Play!
From Piaget to Mr. Rogers, experts unanimously agree that play is central to learning. Kids work out their understanding of the world through play. To state the obvious, play is also fun. Just like Mary Poppins taught us, it’s easier to get a child to do a non-preferred task when you make it playful.
With my daughter, this has meant turning lots of mundane tasks into games. When she is tired and unwilling to get up and pick out clothes for school, I pretend to be a butler to her princess and offer her outfits to wear to her imaginary ball. The other morning, she would only answer me if I addressed her as a baby otter. I got her to answer my questions about her breakfast and school snack choices by being a trainer, tossing her imaginary fish in between answers.
Is this always easy? No. But whenever I can muster up this playfulness, I find she is much quicker to move through her routines and even finds some space to express to me what is frustrating her or upsetting her. When I turn to my authoritarian voice and command her to “just get things done,” she slams on the brakes. Tantrums spike, and children accomplish nothing. Of course, we reserve playfulness for mundane activities.
Note: If it is a matter of safety, do what you need to do to keep things safe. For example, I am always firm in my expectations about holding hands through a parking lot, even if it means demanding compliance by picking her up.
Defer Power When You Can
Another valuable lesson I learned from my Center for Inspired Teaching training (that is a whole topic for a different time) is psychologist William Glasser’s theory that kids (and really, all humans) crave autonomy. As I mentioned, this is especially strong in three-year-olds. There is so much that they do not get to decide for themselves. Letting them be in control of some things goes a long way. I do this by identifying low-consequence decisions and ceding power to my kids.
Examples are:
- Let them pick the clothes they wear.
- Give them a choice about how long their transition timer will be: 2 minutes or 3?
- Let them decide whether to do their goodnight routine in your lap or in their bed.
Give them Jobs
Since many behavior struggles stem from a child’s desire for empowerment, letting them participate in family jobs and tasks can be a helpful antidote. This allows them to build practical, physical, and cognitive skills. It also proactively supports their behavior because it answers their need for empowerment. This saves you from future tantrums caused by their not feeling in control.
Some easy jobs I hand to my kids are:
- Helping me prepare dinner by chopping fruits and veggies with kid-safe knives
- Rinsing and drying the dishes as I wash them
- Using a baby wipe or kid-safe cleaner to help wipe down the tables
- Putting their own folded clothes away
While my thoughts here refer specifically to the tricky world of the three-year-old, the truth is that making the shift from engagement to compliance is an effective tool for children (or even adults) of any age. The next time you run into a tricky behavior or seek to teach a new skill or idea, I invite you to stop and ask yourself, “What would engagement look like for my child in this situation?” and see where it takes you.
